#AltCannes 2012 – As It Didn’t Happen
For the second year running, I’ve spent a fortnight in the weirdest recesses of my brain, compensating for the fact I didn’t go to Cannes by making up my own twisted version of Europe’s premier film festival.
Anyway, here’s what didn’t happen in France this year. I’ve only included my tweets – many others joined in, notably @filmintel, @NathanaelSmith, @iFlicks, @ejrdavies and @TheGMcConnachie, but Twitter has unhelpfully archived most of their contributions so with reluctance I’ve let them out. But thanksanyway, guys!
Right, here we go.
Monday 14th May
– Join me at #AltCannes for two weeks on the French Rivierror. Details here: http://bit.ly/J2ommL
– At the airport, on my way to #AltCannes – hang on, Lars Von Trier is on my flight. This is going to be fun!
– Armed gendarmes escorting Lars Von Trier off the plane at Nice. Oh heck, what’s he done now? #AltCannes
– At the #AltCannes launch party. Jacques Audiard took a swing at Michael Haneke after the latter taunted him about losing 2009 Palme D’Or.
Tuesday 15th May
– First day proper in #AltCannes. Hotel breakfast consists of every kind of cheese ever made, “except cheddar.” Mini Baby Bel it is, then.
– Ritual human sacrifice on the beach. So *that’s* how they keep the weather so balmy at #AltCannes PS I swear the victim was Uwe Boll.
– Rumour has it #AltCannes Jury will arrive later with huge beachfront musical number, Nanni Moretti and Ewan McGregor to duet.
– #AltCannes officially starts tomorrow, so an early night for all… Yeah right. Bring on the annual “bribe the Jury” party!
– Alexander Payne losing his luggage has changed the stakes for #AltCannes juror bribery: “I’ll swap votes for pants!” he declares.
Wednesday 16th May
– Can’t get to Cannes? Fear not! Tickets still available for #AltCannes. Fly by pterodactyl, you’ll be there in an hour.
– A forlorn King Kenny has tried to pick a fight with Aladeen. “I’d have had you shot for finishing 8th,” retorted the dictator. #AltCannes
– Biggest surprise about Moonrise Kingdom? The dubstep soundtrack. #AltCannes
Thursday 17th May
– Jacques Audiard will unveil Rust And Bone today at #AltCannes. “It’s like Tango And Cash, only in French,” insiders promise.
– #AltCannes checking all attics in case anyone gets trapped a la Michael Caine: “So far, we’ve only found Vincent Gallo. We left him there.”
Friday 18th May
– Scandal at #AltCannes! REALITY is just re-edited footage from Italian Big Brother. “I thought nobody would notice,” Matteo Garrone insists.
– Death toll mounts at #AltCannes after Madagascar 3 producers release a lion onto the beach. “Critics just stood and booed,” says a survivor.
– Organisers at #AltCannes confirm the launch of the Palme Dolphin for best marine life performance. The whale from RUST AND BONE is odds-on.
– The Olympic flame made a visit to #AltCannes… where it was promptly extinguished by someone pissing on it. Oh, Sacha Baron Cohen, you wag.
Saturday 19th May
– Emergency #AltCannes ruling limits number of Aussies allowed in competition after last night’s rampage by A. Dominik and J. Hillcoat.
– LAWLESS – John Hillcoat’s gory movie about the making of XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS – is “like NETWORK meets 300,” say critics at #AltCannes
– “Brandon was created in a laboratory experiment!” admits David Cronenberg as his son’s debut ANTIVIRAL plays at #AltCannes.
Sunday 20th May
– #AltCannes welcomes new insect overlords after overnight invasion by killer ants. “It’s the nightmare Truffaut always predicted!” says one.
– Michael Haneke confirms his latest nearly wasn’t named LOVE. “Richard Curtis held copyright to the title; we had to arm-wrestle.” #AltCannes
Monday 21st May
– Shock gossip from last night’s #AltCannes party: Roman Polanski admits he regularly visits America under the alias “Augustus Kowalski.”
– Controversy as Ken Loach sends a work experience kid to #AltCannes in his place. No word yet whether the intern is getting paid.
Tuesday 22nd May
– The reformed Fugees gatecrash the #AltCannes premiere of KILLING THEM SOFTLY. “We misheard the title, but it’s close enough!” says Wyclef.
– Confirmation that next year’s #AltCannes will take place in Scarborough: “it’ll be sunnier, plus single mums from Leeds can attend.”
Wednesday 23rd May
– Twilight stars bet on whose film will do best at #AltCannes. Pattinson stands to lose car; Stewart will let him put it anywhere.
– BREAKING #AltCannes NEWS: Cheryl Cole signs up for Michael Haneke’s next film: “I’ve heard he’s popular here.” Oh boy, she has *no* idea!
Thursday 24th May
– Scientists unveil formula for perfect #AltCannes film: 30% controversy, 20% glamour, 50% WTF. “We guarantee boos *and* prizes,” say boffins.
– Poor reaction at #AltCannes to The Paperboy blamed on execs meddling with Atari source material. “Lose the bike, you lose the soul!”
– Lars Von Trier is going around #AltCannes trying to get journalists to pay a retroactive fee for last year’s Melancholia press conference.
Friday 25th May
– The rich and the famous are under siege at #AltCannes, as Twihards descend on every limousine they find in case “R-Pattz might be in there!”
Saturday 26th May
– Publicity stunt for MUD fails to impress #AltCannes. “Who thought blasting us with dirty water was a good idea?” moans Ewan McGregor.
Sunday 27th May
– BREAKING: Lars Von Trier has stolen the Palme D’Or trophy! “We’ll have to make a replacement from papier mâché,” say organisers. #AltCannes
– Current #AltCannes betting… Two films share the Palme D’Or: 13/1 A hung jury, and the Festival has to start all over again: 5/1.
– #AltCannes ends with a punch-up, a drunken confession and a karaoke version of My Way. And that’s just from the Jury. Now: back to reality.
Back to reality indeed. See you all at #AltCannes 2013.