#AltCannes 2012 – As It Didn’t Happen

May 29, 2012 by Simon Kinnear in Festivals, Nonsense with 0 Comments

The Joker replaces Michael Haneke to receive the Palme D'Or at AltCannes 2012

For the second year running, I’ve spent a fortnight in the weirdest recesses of my brain, compensating for the fact I didn’t go to Cannes by making up my own twisted version of Europe’s premier film festival.

Why did I do it? Fucked if I know, although it’s worth reading my introduction to #AltCannes and also the timeline of tweets from #AltCannes 2011.

Anyway, here’s what didn’t happen in France this year.  I’ve only included my tweets – many others joined in, notably @filmintel, @NathanaelSmith, @iFlicks, @ejrdavies and @TheGMcConnachie, but Twitter has unhelpfully archived most of their contributions so with reluctance I’ve let them out.  But thanksanyway, guys!

Right, here we go.

Monday 14th May

– Join me at #AltCannes for two weeks on the French Rivierror. Details here:

– At the airport, on my way to #AltCannes – hang on, Lars Von Trier is on my flight. This is going to be fun!

– Armed gendarmes escorting Lars Von Trier off the plane at Nice. Oh heck, what’s he done now? #AltCannes

– At the #AltCannes launch party. Jacques Audiard took a swing at Michael Haneke after the latter taunted him about losing 2009 Palme D’Or.

Tuesday 15th May

– First day proper in #AltCannes. Hotel breakfast consists of every kind of cheese ever made, “except cheddar.” Mini Baby Bel it is, then.

– Ritual human sacrifice on the beach. So *that’s* how they keep the weather so balmy at #AltCannes PS I swear the victim was Uwe Boll.

– Rumour has it #AltCannes Jury will arrive later with huge beachfront musical number, Nanni Moretti and Ewan McGregor to duet.

– #AltCannes officially starts tomorrow, so an early night for all… Yeah right. Bring on the annual “bribe the Jury” party!

– Alexander Payne losing his luggage has changed the stakes for #AltCannes juror bribery: “I’ll swap votes for pants!” he declares.

Wednesday 16th May

– Can’t get to Cannes? Fear not! Tickets still available for #AltCannes. Fly by pterodactyl, you’ll be there in an hour.

– A forlorn King Kenny has tried to pick a fight with Aladeen. “I’d have had you shot for finishing 8th,” retorted the dictator. #AltCannes

– Biggest surprise about Moonrise Kingdom? The dubstep soundtrack. #AltCannes

Thursday 17th May

– Jacques Audiard will unveil Rust And Bone today at #AltCannes. “It’s like Tango And Cash, only in French,” insiders promise.

– #AltCannes checking all attics in case anyone gets trapped a la Michael Caine: “So far, we’ve only found Vincent Gallo. We left him there.”

Friday 18th May

– Scandal at #AltCannes! REALITY is just re-edited footage from Italian Big Brother. “I thought nobody would notice,” Matteo Garrone insists.

– Death toll mounts at #AltCannes after Madagascar 3 producers release a lion onto the beach. “Critics just stood and booed,” says a survivor.

– Organisers at #AltCannes confirm the launch of the Palme Dolphin for best marine life performance. The whale from RUST AND BONE is odds-on.

– The Olympic flame made a visit to #AltCannes… where it was promptly extinguished by someone pissing on it. Oh, Sacha Baron Cohen, you wag.

Saturday 19th May

– Emergency #AltCannes ruling limits number of Aussies allowed in competition after last night’s rampage by A. Dominik and J. Hillcoat.

– LAWLESS – John Hillcoat’s gory movie about the making of XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS – is “like NETWORK meets 300,” say critics at #AltCannes

– “Brandon was created in a laboratory experiment!” admits David Cronenberg as his son’s debut ANTIVIRAL plays at #AltCannes.

Sunday 20th May

– #AltCannes welcomes new insect overlords after overnight invasion by killer ants. “It’s the nightmare Truffaut always predicted!” says one.

– Michael Haneke confirms his latest nearly wasn’t named LOVE. “Richard Curtis held copyright to the title; we had to arm-wrestle.” #AltCannes

Monday 21st May

– Shock gossip from last night’s #AltCannes party: Roman Polanski admits he regularly visits America under the alias “Augustus Kowalski.”

– Controversy as Ken Loach sends a work experience kid to #AltCannes in his place. No word yet whether the intern is getting paid.

Tuesday 22nd May

– The reformed Fugees gatecrash the #AltCannes premiere of KILLING THEM SOFTLY. “We misheard the title, but it’s close enough!” says Wyclef.

– Confirmation that next year’s #AltCannes will take place in Scarborough: “it’ll be sunnier, plus single mums from Leeds can attend.”

Wednesday 23rd May

– Twilight stars bet on whose film will do best at #AltCannes. Pattinson stands to lose car; Stewart will let him put it anywhere.

– BREAKING #AltCannes NEWS: Cheryl Cole signs up for Michael Haneke’s next film: “I’ve heard he’s popular here.” Oh boy, she has *no* idea!

Thursday 24th May

– Scientists unveil formula for perfect #AltCannes film: 30% controversy, 20% glamour, 50% WTF. “We guarantee boos *and* prizes,” say boffins.

– Poor reaction at #AltCannes to The Paperboy blamed on execs meddling with Atari source material. “Lose the bike, you lose the soul!”

– Lars Von Trier is going around #AltCannes trying to get journalists to pay a retroactive fee for last year’s Melancholia press conference.

Friday 25th May

– The rich and the famous are under siege at #AltCannes, as Twihards descend on every limousine they find in case “R-Pattz might be in there!”

Saturday 26th May

– Publicity stunt for MUD fails to impress #AltCannes. “Who thought blasting us with dirty water was a good idea?” moans Ewan McGregor.

Sunday 27th May

– BREAKING: Lars Von Trier has stolen the Palme D’Or trophy! “We’ll have to make a replacement from papier mâché,” say organisers. #AltCannes

– Current #AltCannes betting… Two films share the Palme D’Or: 13/1 A hung jury, and the Festival has to start all over again: 5/1.

– #AltCannes ends with a punch-up, a drunken confession and a karaoke version of My Way. And that’s just from the Jury. Now: back to reality. 

Back to reality indeed.  See you all at #AltCannes 2013.

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