#AltCannes – as it happened

May 26, 2011 by Simon Kinnear in Festivals, Nonsense with 1 Comment

Last year, I made a vow that I was going to go to Cannes.  Inevitably, life intervened, as so it was I found myself in Derby as the 2011 Festival began. Mad with jealousy, I tweeted the following:

Bollocks to this. If I can’t be at #Cannes I’m going to make up my own festival. Stay posted for updates from #AltCannes

And before I knew it, I was posting surreal fake news from a made-up festival of my own devising. Several others joined in; many were kind enough to retweet or recommend me. 

Three days in, I was already doo-lally enough to be typing…

My brain is turning to mush from too much hypothetical Mediterranean sunshine and parallel-dimension moviegoing hijinks #AltCannes

…but it didn’t stop me from posting around 70 updates from what Chris Morris used to call the twisted brain wrongs of a one-off man mental.  Most of these updates involved Lars Von Trier, Terence Malick or a frightening amount of pretend bloodshed.

And, at some point, I decided it’d be fun to do this full-time, with a dedicated Twitter feed covering the movie business as a whole.  My alter-ego is @Alt_Hollywood so please go and follow me.

Meanwhile, here are the edited highlights of #AltCannes.  Enjoy.


Wednesday 11th May

Samoan clock change wreaks havoc with Midnight in Paris press screening. Many journos feared AWOL in time/space continuum #AltCannes

Scandal clip from The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle used to introduce Robert De Niro at jury welcome party #AltCannes

A spokesperson insists, “The film is De Niro’s masterpiece, a meta-textual anarchist classic in the tradition of Jerry Lewis.” #AltCannes

Un Certain Regard juror Emir Kusturica has developed his own ‘certain look’, rumoured to be modelled on Derek Zoolander #AltCannes

Thursday 12th May

BREAKING: Bernardo Bertolucci has lost his honorary Palme D’Or. Ironically, he says he left it under a tree #AltCannes

Several critics kicked out of ‘We Need To Talk About Kevin’ press screening for taking title literally #AltCannes

Cannes announces Super 8 preview is part of film-swap with Comic-Con. New Abbas Kiarostami movie will premiere in San Diego #AltCannes

Festival evening entertainment comes to earth with a bump. Last night, Lady Gaga. Tonight, Marti Pellow #AltCannes

Friday 13th May

Ken Loach announces new film about a celeb who turns down judging role on Britain’s Got Talent to do overseas voluntary work #AltCannes

BREAKING: One of Von Trier’s “Obstructions” for Scorsese will involve trying to get a good performance out of Danny Dyer #AltCannes

Uma Thurman has mistakenly asked Nanni Moretti to babysit her kids. “He’d be great,” she insists, “like a hipster Mary Poppins” #AltCannes

Huge Wicker Tree being erected on beach ahead of premiere. Either Uwe Boll or Eli Roth to be burnt alive. Less than 6hrs to vote! #AltCannes

Saturday 14th May

The clear-up begins after last night’s Wicker Tree bloodbath. “It’s our Altamont,” say anguished officials #AltCannes

Reports of people seeing Miranda July’s new movie for a second time, just so they can say they’re going back to The Future #AltCannes

BREAKING. ‘The Tree Of Life’ delayed. By way of apology, Malick is sending unseen 8hr cut of earlier film, ‘The Fat Red Line’ #AltCannes

Sunday 15th May

New silent movie pastiche ‘The Artist’ was formerly known as ‘Prince’ #AltCannes

Much embarrassed eye-avoidance amongst hungover UK broadsheet critics recovering from last night’s Eurovision debacle #AltCannes

Current casualty list: two directors burnt alive, five critics missing presumed lost at sea, one juror’s (Uma’s) handbag stolen #AltCannes

After rapturous reception for silent throwback The Artist, Terence Malick jumps on bandwagon, burns soundtrack to Tree Of Life #AltCannes

Monday 16th May

Fighting in Tree of Life queue. Luke Wilson’s hands have been chopped off; Steve Carell has killed someone with a fucking spear #AltCannes

The Croisette deserted as Nice airport fills up. “We only wanted to see Tree of Life before that bird in Leeds,” admits one critic #AltCannes

Festival officials set to fly in Vincent Gallo for surprise appearance: “The crowd has a taste for booing and we have to oblige.” #AltCannes

EXCLUSIVE: Sean Penn reads new poem, Hollywood Rice: “Paul Giamatti / Is fond of basmati / But Diane Lane / Prefers long grain.” #AltCannes

Tuesday 17th May
Organisers reveal they’ve been secretly holding cancelled 1968 Festival out-of-hours. Kubrick and Leone favourites for Palme D’Or #AltCannes

Huge influx of R&B fans perplexes officials, until they spot Nuri Ceylan Bilge is incorrectly listed on website as Mary J. Blige #AltCannes

UPDATE: Turns out Mary J. Blige’s agent made same mistake. She’s here! Ladbrokes slash odds of her winning Palme D’Or #AltCannes

#AltCannes greets EdFilmFest launch with a “meh”. “It’s hard enough to drag ourselves off the beach, and you want us to go to *Scotland*?”

Wednesday 18th May

Ushers on suicide watch as people arrive for ‘Melancholia’ screening; piped baby laughter in auditorium designed to soften blow #AltCannes

Scrum amongst journalists to call “Godwin’s Law” first, as Lars Von Trier attends press conference dressed in full S.S. regalia #AltCannes

Palme D’Or announcement brought forward so winner can enjoy triumph before God unleashes the Rapture upon us heathen moviemakers #AltCannes

Thursday 19th May

A canny entrepreneur off the coast is offering Pedalo Almodovar rides for five Euros. Nice way to start the day #AltCannes

Bookies’ latest odds: 2-1 on somebody asking director of ‘Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai’ if he’s “taking the Miike” #AltCannes

Outcry as Almodovar reveals The Skin I Live In was financed by Rizla. “What can I say?” retorts Pedro. “I enjoy the odd toke.” #AltCannes

Takashi Miike sighs with relief as Lars Von Trier takes heat off his joke about “becoming like Emperor Hirohito on set” #AltCannes

Friday 20th May

Sean Penn’s guide to The Cure, exclusive to #AltCannes: “I used to be heavily into Pornography but now I’m smitten with Friday I’m In Love”

Film industry regrets idea to premiere ‘Drive’ at #AltCannes on side of a bus. “Critics are lousy drivers; it was bound to end in tragedy”

Organisers at #AltCannes privately regret Lars Von Trier ban: “All the hardcore partygoers have gone with him, it’s a bit dull here now.”

Saturday 21st May

All film screenings cancelled as #AltCannes decides that “everyone’s last day on Earth deserves a fucking massive party” instead

Monday 23rd May

Emergency press conf called at #AltCannes as jury admits “we’ve slept on it, and maybe giving the Palme D’Or to Malick wasn’t a good idea”

The final indignity: Nice Airport has sent Pedro Almodovar’s luggage to Japan, and kept Aki Kaurismski a prisoner in customs #AltCannes

As for me, I made it home from #AltCannes no probs, ie I switched off the PC, walked upstairs and went to bed. Thanks for reading everyone! 

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One Comment

  1. » Who Needs Cannes 2012 When You Can Have #AltCannes? » KinnemaniacMay 14, 2012 at 7:30 amReply

    […] you’re new to this, here are the highlights of last year’s #AltCannes, which featured copious misunderstandings, outrageous celebrity gossip and even a beachfront […]

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